I passed by
I saw her once,
Outside my door,
Digging through trash
For recyclables to sell
To make ends meet.
But I was stressed,
My work permit woes
Clouding my attention
From what is truly important
I saw him once
On the road to church
Sitting on the rock
On the side of the road
His earthly possessions
Bundled under the cardboard
My heart hurt
But I was on the bus
What could I do?
It’s not like I could have stopped
My excuses mirror the Levite’s and the Priest’s
Is there a Samaritan wondering the streets of Ha Noi?
I will never know.
It wasn’t me.
Excellent! This is very very good and the ending is very powerful. I know that you were saying that you were looking for maybe some tips, and let me preface this tip simply by reiterating that I think that this is fantastic.
ReplyDeleteOne of the best tools of writing is subtlety, and it is all the more important in poetry. Don't give the reader everything: allowing the reader to discover meaning for themselves is one of the things that make reading exciting.
(For further reading on this, try googling or wikipedia-ing "iceberg theory", a method of writing that ernest hemingway, (whose prose IS poetry,) is famous for.)
Really, excluding certain obvious points in the poems MAKE us follow the first rule of writing, which is: show don't tell. So if your poem is about the guilt you feel in not helping someone you see in need in a far off land, show it without telling it.
And again, I actually think you do this excellently in this poem! That is to say, I think your "show" is all here! I would perhaps just take out some of the "tell".
So, for example, (and again, this is just one man's opinion for whatever it is worth,) but I think that this poem would be made even stronger by omitting a few of the "tell" lines. Like this:
I saw her once
Outside my door,
digging through trash
For recyclables to sell
To make ends meet.
But work permit woes
Clouded my attention.
I saw him once
On the road to church
Sitting on a rock
His earthly possessions
Bundled under the cardboard
But I was on the bus
It’s not like I could have stopped
Is there a Samaritan wondering the streets of Ha Noi?
I will never know.
It wasn’t me.
In addition, switching it to present tense would also make it stronger. (Present tense is the strongest tense.)
I see her
Outside my door,
Digs through trash
For recyclables to sell
But work permit woes
Cloud my attention
I see him too
On the road to church
Sits on a rock
Possessions bundled under the cardboard
But I was on the bus
It’s not like I could have stopped
Is there a Samaritan wondering the streets of Ha Noi?
I don't know.
It's not me.
I hope this was helpful, and keep writing, and I'll keep enjoying to read it!
Thanks, AJ! That was really helpful. I'm going to leave this poem as is for now, but I did use some of your suggestions to edit the poem I have for tomorrow, and I'll definitely keep them in mind as I continue writing.
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